Man makes headline by becoming the subject of nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
ChrisLohmeyer, May 13, 11:22
Fuzzy Slippers Not So Fuzzy Anymore
PeterBerg, April 13, 22:01
Can Of Soda Approaching Room Temperature
PeterBerg, April 13, 21:58
PeterBerg, April 13, 21:58
Trix Rabbit Mistakes Big, Pointy Orange Bomb For Carrot; Rumsfeld Responds: "Silly Rabbit, Bombs Are For Adults"
PeterBerg, April 13, 21:09
New T. Hawk's Pro Skater A Video Game Market Failure
Fresh off the success of the blockbuster Tony Hawk's Pro Skater skateboarding game, the video game geniuses at Capcom attempted to repeat the success with their own T. Hawk game -- But this time, the T. didn't stand for "Tony!" Capcom software engineers drew from their vast library of characters...
Posted By PeterBerg on May 19, 11:22
LOCAL STUDENT COPES WITH OBSESSION OF DEAD HOOKERS
columbus, ohio by Albert Schneider- Police broke into a local residence yesterday with a warrant for drug trafficing, but found much more than marijuana. The suspects basement was full of deceased prostitutes, or "dead hookers". over 23 bodies were uncovered from different locations in the basement ranging from the refridgerator to on top of a blow up doll with the word MOM written on it. The suspect was initially arrested for the murder of the prostitutes, but after autopses, all the females were found to die of being either overweight, from aids or from horrible "shrimping" accidents. When the suspect was questioned about the incident, he said between outburts of crying,"It took me 3 years to collect all those dead hookers. how am I going to make dead hooker references and jokes now? I NEED my dead hookers! DEAD HOOKERS!!!". the suspect is now placing charges on the city for alledgedly stealing his dead hookers.
CHICAGO–A deadly meatwave swept through the Chicago area over the weekend, leaving an estimated 40 residents dead of steaks, chops, ribs, bacon, and various other forms of meat exhaustion.
"This is easily the worst meatwave I've seen around these parts since the summer of '79," said John Gruznek, a Chicago gravicologist. "Most of the bodies I've examined were bloated beyond all recognition."
"The excessively high level of pork loins, sirloin tips, bratwurst, and other meats was indisputably the number-one factor in these deaths," said Chicago mayor Richard Daley, speaking from his temporary command center at Ruth's Chris Steak House on North Dearborn Street. "Most of these people consumed a considerable fraction of their weight in animal flesh before ultimately succumbing to meatstroke."
CANDOR, NY -- I stole all of the other news snippets from the onion just to test this thingamajigger just to get it to work right and look all spiffy and so on. So now I'm going to ramble a bit so that this has a decent amount of words so that it actually fits in with the format and style of the other ones from the Onion and stuff like that. I like Pokémon quite a bit and I have a BIO LAB to do tonight, but I'm not gonna do it because I'm a lazy piece of crap and I'm going to go see Shakespeare tomorrow blah. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample
MISSOULA, MT—Dog owner Darryl Burkhard, 36, said Tuesday that he is unsure how to fulfill his veterinarian's orders to extract a urine sample from ailing cocker spaniel Sneakers. "The vet just casually asked me to bring in a sample, like I'd automatically know how to do that," Burkhard said. "Do I take Sneakers for a walk and then stick a cup under him at just the right moment? Or do I, like, fasten a cup to his genitals with a belt and wait for him to eventually go? Either way, I'm probably looking at some sort of really unpleasant dog-piss-related situation."