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Breaking News
Man makes headline by becoming the subject of nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
ChrisLohmeyer, May 13, 11:22
Dog Chewing Slippers
Fuzzy Slippers Not So Fuzzy Anymore
PeterBerg, April 13, 22:01
Can Of Soda Approaching Room Temperature
PeterBerg, April 13, 21:58
Grandfather Clocked
PeterBerg, April 13, 21:58
Sweet And Low Packet
Trix Rabbit Mistakes Big, Pointy Orange Bomb For Carrot; Rumsfeld Responds: "Silly Rabbit, Bombs Are For Adults"
PeterBerg, April 13, 21:09
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Headlines. Lick me.
Donald Trump Trades Media Empire For Talking Carrot -- PeterBerg on April 10, 23:04
Smart Bombs Disguised as Dumb Bombs in Iraq War -- PeterBerg on April 9, 21:05
Bill Gates Hospitalized After Diving Into Gold-Filled Swimming Pool -- PeterBerg on April 9, 21:04
Lays Potato Chip Eater Able To Eat Just One -- PeterBerg on April 9, 21:03
Religious Merger Creates 900 Million HinJews -- PeterBerg on April 9, 20:04

Headlines Archive

Editorial: All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. -- ChrisLohmeyer on April 16, 10:59
Editorial: If There Was A Day That I Could Give You, I'd Give You A Day Just Like Today -- PeterBerg on April 10, 19:31
Editorial: The Chicken In The Kitchen Is Making All The Sound, The Cake Was Done While We Were Sitting Around -- PeterBerg on April 10, 19:29

Editorials Archive

Point / Counterpoint:
Doing Laundry Doesn't Make Me Hungry At All [By James Mead]
Freshly Cleaned Laundry Reminds Me Of Freshly Baked Donuts [By Peter Berg]

May 13, 11:05
Geraldo Gets The Boot -- PeterBerg on April 13, 21:50
Top Story
New T. Hawk's Pro Skater A Video Game Market Failure

Fresh off the success of the blockbuster Tony Hawk's Pro Skater skateboarding game, the video game geniuses at Capcom attempted to repeat the success with their own T. Hawk game -- But this time, the T. didn't stand for "Tony!" Capcom software engineers drew from their vast library of characters...
:: More... ::

Posted By PeterBerg on May 19, 11:22

In Other News

columbus, ohio by Albert Schneider- Police broke into a local residence yesterday with a warrant for drug trafficing, but found much more than marijuana. The suspects basement was full of deceased prostitutes, or "dead hookers". over 23 bodies were uncovered from different locations in the basement ranging from the refridgerator to on top of a blow up doll with the word MOM written on it. The suspect was initially arrested for the murder of the prostitutes, but after autopses, all the females were found to die of being either overweight, from aids or from horrible "shrimping" accidents. When the suspect was questioned about the incident, he said between outburts of crying,"It took me 3 years to collect all those dead hookers. how am I going to make dead hooker references and jokes now? I NEED my dead hookers! DEAD HOOKERS!!!". the suspect is now placing charges on the city for alledgedly stealing his dead hookers.
By: ChrisLohmeyer
Date: March 1, 14:10

Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave

CHICAGO–A deadly meatwave swept through the Chicago area over the weekend, leaving an estimated 40 residents dead of steaks,
chops, ribs, bacon, and various other forms of meat exhaustion.

"This is easily the worst meatwave I've seen around these parts since the summer of '79," said John Gruznek, a Chicago gravicologist.
"Most of the bodies I've examined were bloated beyond all recognition."

"The excessively high level of pork loins, sirloin tips, bratwurst, and other meats was indisputably the number-one factor in these
deaths," said Chicago mayor Richard Daley, speaking from his temporary command center at Ruth's Chris Steak House on North
Dearborn Street. "Most of these people consumed a considerable fraction of their weight in animal flesh before ultimately succumbing to
By: JamesMead
Date: May 13, 10:57

check it out

here it is
By: JamesMead
Date: April 16, 11:14

Testing The Other News Format And Script

CANDOR, NY -- I stole all of the other news snippets from the onion just to test this thingamajigger just to get it to work right and look all spiffy and so on. So now I'm going to ramble a bit so that this has a decent amount of words so that it actually fits in with the format and style of the other ones from the Onion and stuff like that. I like Pokémon quite a bit and I have a BIO LAB to do tonight, but I'm not gonna do it because I'm a lazy piece of crap and I'm going to go see Shakespeare tomorrow blah. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
By: PeterBerg
Date: April 10, 23:35

Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample

MISSOULA, MT—Dog owner Darryl Burkhard, 36, said Tuesday that he is unsure how to fulfill his veterinarian's orders to extract a urine sample from ailing cocker spaniel Sneakers. "The vet just casually asked me to bring in a sample, like I'd automatically know how to do that," Burkhard said. "Do I take Sneakers for a walk and then stick a cup under him at just the right moment? Or do I, like, fasten a cup to his genitals with a belt and wait for him to eventually go? Either way, I'm probably looking at some sort of really unpleasant dog-piss-related situation."
By: PeterBerg
Date: April 10, 23:33

In Other News Archive

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